My heart is broken, yet again. The sad thing is, its because of the same person who's done it so many times before. Sure, I made plenty of mistakes, which I will undoubtedly disclose later if people actually start to read this. I am just so hurt, so wounded by the fact that after all these years and all the times he said he loved me, he turned around now and said every time he ever said it, it was a lie and he never meant it, that he only ever said it because I wanted to hear it. How can anyone be that cruel???????
Now he's so mean, on most of the unfortunate occasions that I do speak to him, and he keeps giving me different reasons why he did what he did... I will never know the truth. And what is worse, is that I am in this much pain about it, I am so hurt and so lost and so alone now, all alone, when I had gotten so used to having him there with me every night, holding me... But, I guess in the end, all I am going to get is pain, and he blames me entirely, when nothing I ever did to him (in these 20 years we've been involved in one aspect or another) will ever begin to compare to the cruelty he inflicted by telling me he loved me if he never meant it...
Yet he still called me several times to ask if I want to come have sex with him. I will, with great shame, admit that I gave in, and did, he even asked the last time if I wanted to sleep over. How stupid can I be? What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I say no to him, tell him what a piece of crap he is for what he did to me and my heart???
The man told me he wanted to have more kids, (he has two, from the marriage he had an affair with me and at least 1 other person during, though he told me all that time I was the only one he would do that with because he loved me, blah blah blah etc etc) and he wanted me to be their mother. I didn't even know how much I wanted that until we thought I was pregnant and then, the whole way to planned parenthood I said to myself "Oh, god, I hope I'm not pregnant..."' But then, when I had taken the test at planned parenthood, and the nurse came in and sat down and said it was negative... I burst into tears. I didn't stop crying for 2 days. It wasn't long after that that he told me he didn't want me there anymore, and like I said before, I will probably never know the truth about why. I only know how I was so desperately in love with that man it physically hurt to even think of it ending....
Now, he recently told me he was going to be involved with this other girl, was even cruel enough to show me her picture and ask me "what do you think of her?" I feel like I am broken, like a part of me is now forever emptied and cannot be filled again, like a piece of me is irreversibly broken.
Until next time. I promise I will explain the saga of... lets call him... Ace. Yes..."The Saga of Ace and Me". Hey, its a work in progress, what can I say?
I will leave you with an anonymous quote about heartbreak I found online that I can relate to right now:
"You hurt me more then I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more then you deserve, why am I such a fool?" - Anonymous
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