Love Stories make me cry like a girl

The sun has set on my happiness...

Love stories make me cry like a girl. (If I was a guy, this would be more of a problem, I suppose). I watched Letters to Juliet tonight. What was I thinking. I cried like a baby. Full-on, wracking sobs. All happy endings do that now. And it doesn't help that my best friend has turned her back on me because she is being admittedly selfish. And is pissed that I get upset if she mentions Ace's name. Even though the last time I tried to talk to her about him she said she didn't want to hear it. And I caught her having a conversation with him about me and she lied about it to me at first. My life is hell. If there is a heaven and a hell, I think I am already living in hell.

Anxiety

Anxiety is like a prison sometimes. For me, I believe it is because I am so alone now, since Ace kicked me out. And what does not help is that I am finding out that now that I am in crisis, people I thought cared about me, people I thought were my friends are too concerned with their own crap to care about mine. One even went so far as to say they just want to be happy and do not care who they have to step on to get that. What kind of BS is that? Who says that? Who would admit to such a thing other than a cold unfeeling monster? A selfish self centered horrible unkind person, I wager. One I thought was a completely different person, apparently. 

I feel so all alone now and it is really starting to get to me. November 1st will make 3 months since he kicked me out. He's now with this girl with the body of a stripper. I am in my own private hell, and I have begun having massive panic attacks again. Its horrible. And now that my best friend has turned her back on me because she is too busy trying to be with this guy or that guy, and actually lied to me more than once about talking to ACE... not sure about why, horrible possibilities have crossed my mind that I do not want to think about now... I feel like I basically have almost nobody to talk to. I am very grateful for my one friend (let's call her Jessie for the purpose of this story), however, who is on my side. Lately i think she is really the only person who really truly ever understands how I am feeling.

All alone

Sometimes, when I am all alone, all I can do is cry. I get so overwhelmed and it just all really hits me... I am all alone. ALL alone. Alone all the time. No more Ace. He's gone. He's with this gorgeous mother of 3 only a few months after we ended things, and I'm still completely devastated. I can't get past the fact that he did this to me. ME. How could he just turn off his emotions like that? I just don't get it. How could have told me he loved me for so long if he never meant it? And I was so in love with him. SO in love. I had it. I had my life that I wanted. I had Ace. I went to sleep with him holding me in his arms every night, waking up to his kisses (and sometimes more) every morning. I got so happy every day around the time he came home from work. Every time he looked at me... EVERY SINGLE TIME... my heart skipped a beat. And when he touched me, and when he made love to me, and when he ran his hands over my body, I went to another place. It was magical. It was perfection. It was heaven. And now it is all gone. I can't get him out of my head. I can't get past this. I can't stop missing him, missing him wanting me. I feel lost. Nobody else wants me. Nobody ever will. Why would they? When there are women out there who are so much more perfect, so much skinnier, with perkier breasts. Why would anyone ever want me? I'm going to be alone. I'm never going to have children. I'm never going to have what I want, what others get. I'm never going to have his child or get the place he told me to start looking for with him. Why can other people move on? Why can't I? Why am I so screwed up???? I'm so sad, and alone, and I feel like there is nobody in the world who cares. Not really, anyway. God, I hate being alone.

Let the torture begin

So I saw a picture of Ace's new girlfriend. Body wise, she is completely the opposite of me. She has "the body of a Venus." He used to tell me not to lose too much weight, that I was perfect, that he loved my body, etc etc. Bullshit. Now I see this picture of her... Jenna, we will call her, because she has the body of a skeleton. And fake boobs. I don't. Now I feel like he left me because she was more perfect, because of how I look. I know, everyone is going to say "if that was the case, why would he have been with you?" Well, the answer I have for that one is "I have no idea." I feel disgusting, like a worthless disgusting piece of crap, not good enough and ugly and fat and like noone is ever going to want me again.

Let's rewind, go back a bit....

Ace and I met when I was 15 (I am 35 now, so, yea, 20 years... He took my breath away. One thing led to another, etc etc... many years of a tumultuous on again-off again relationship.

I'll never forget this one incident. I was maybe 18, maybe, I don't remember exactly. We had dated on and off to this point and at this point were seeing eachother and seeing other people at the time (we were non-exclusive at the time) and Ace finally said he only wanted to be with me, and I said I wanted to only be with him too. (He told a friend as well, not just me). So he was going to break it off with the other girl he was seeing and tell her he wanted to be with me (she didn't know about me, I knew about her, and she was supposed to find out when he ended it). At least, that's what he told me he was gonna do. So we both went to this bar where we all went on Saturday nights. The plan was that he was going to take her outside and tell her, then if she got really upset he was going to leave and I would meet him at his house later (I wanted to stay and dance with a few friends who were there). So I'm in the bar, having a drink, and in walks... let's call her ... Laura. So Laura walks in the bar with a HUGE smile on her face, and I knew something was wrong. I said hey, Laura, what are you so happy about. Her next words might as well have been a knife. "Ace just said I gave him the best blow job he's ever gotten!" and she danced away, all happy. I was devastated. I excused myself and went home. Oddly, I barely cried. I think I was in shock. I went to sleep, got up, and went to work (we all worked together, at a festival of sorts, on the weekends then). I was standing there, waiting for a customer, when Laura walked by crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "You should know!" she spit out, then ran off.  I knew then he had waited until that morning to tell her the truth. A short while later he came by and tried to talk to me. "So um, what happened last night, Ace, with Laura???" I asked. He began to try to lie, but I think he saw in my eyes that I knew the truth, so, his answer was something like this... "What do you mean?" I told him I knew, and not to lie to me, and if he really loved me he wouldn't lie. So he told me the truth, that he'd messed around with her instead of ending it right away like he had told me he would. I told him it was over. I calmly told him to go away, that it was over between us. He left, looking upset. Shortly thereafter I burst into tears and couldn't continue working so my boss came and relieved me. I cried non-stop for 6 hours, I was so upset I couldn't even drive home, so I stayed there, crying, where unfortunately everyone could see. I felt like my world had collapsed, I was in love with him, and that's what he had done. I didn't talk to him for some time after that.

Fast forward about a year. I'd been seeing him again, staying over most nights, and he got down on his knees one night and begged me (in tears) to be serious with him, said he was ready for a commitment. I said no, but planned to tell him in 2 weeks that the real answer was yes but I felt he should have to wait after what he had done. I fully intended to take him back though, I was already head over heels in love with him again, if I had ever actually stopped... 2 weeks went by. The two week mark went by, and the day came where I planned to tell him I wanted to be with him. I said "I have something to tell you." He said "I have something to tell you, too..." I told him to tell me his thing first, and he proceeded to introduce me to "Marla" (names have been changed, obviously), who he'd met on a trip to the city. "What did you want to tell me?" he asked. "Nothing." I replied. Another year went by. He was still dating Marla on the weekends, and I was finally getting to a point where I was ok with the whole situation, and could hang out with him as a friend. That is, of course, until one night when we were hanging out, and he kissed me. And I burst into tears. I asked him how he could do that and told him I had finally gotten to a place where it didn't hurt me that he was with her and not me. Then I left. The next day I went camping with some friends at this 3 day festival thing a bit north of where we lived, by a big lake with some live bands. He showed up (he knew I was going there because I had told him). He then proceeded to try and convince me to come home with him, said I was all he could think about, etc etc. After hours of him wearing me down I gave in and said I would come with him if he brought me back the next day. So I went with him and we literally had sex all night. The next day he brought me back. We started seeing eachother. I was screwed up in the head.

Fast forward a few more years. He's seeing Marla. He's seeing me, telling me this that and the other, telling me he really wants me but she had gotten pregnant and had a miscarriage and they told her as a result she may never be able to have kids, and he felt guilty, so he had to stay with her "for now." Then a mutual friend, Joe, tells me they are getting married in 2 WEEKS. I didn't even know. Ace tells me it is because she is in school and has a stable career plan and that's why he is marrying her. I was so upset. I begged him not to marry her, told him I still loved him, told him about that day so long before when I was gonna tell him I wanted him back but didn't, told him I had had a miscarriage with his child and had never told him, and told him to marry me instead. He said it was too late. I said I was going to need time if I was going to be able to be his friend again. He cried and said ok and he was sorry and this didn't mean he didn't love me. The MORNING OF his goddamned WEDDING, he called me, crying, begging me to promise I would talk to him again. That didn't go very well, I wound up crying too, telling him I didn't know if I could but if it was ever going to happen that he had to give me more time. I tried to kill myself shortly after he got married. I won't go into details. Obviously, it did not work.

Fast forward another year or so. He won't stop calling, trying to see me. Coming by. Calling. Coming by again. When I tried to say I would not talk to him again, he harassed me. He said "Fine, if you won't talk to me I will make your life a living hell until you have no choice but to talk to me!" Then made good on it by not leaving me alone. Finally I gave in and said Fine, that I would talk to him if he would stop the harrassing crap. So fast forward more, I was stupid, I slept with him. Said it couldn't happen again, that was a lie. Because it did. Thus started our affair, 8 yrs long. Through the birth of his 2 children. I tried to end it so many times because the guilt was KILLING me. I actually was in therapy because it was tearing me apart, especially after they had kids, and so on.

Fast forward to January 2010. Marla's leaving him, had a boyfriend. She moves back to where she is from. He tells me he still loves me. I start sleeping over every night but then going home. Eventually a few weeks of this and he says why do you go home, why don't you just stay. I move in. He tells me he needs me. That he loves me. At first, everything is perfect, he smiles every time he sees me, brings me flowers, cuddles with me watching tv, makes love to me almost every night. Then as time goes on, he gets moodier and moodier. Marla won't let him see his kids for a few months, all the while I am there living with him, watching him go through this, supporting him, making sure he is well prepared for every court date (to the extreme, at one point he was so prepared he went there alone and he was more prepared than Marla AND her 4 lawyers...), making him dinner every night, loving him.... He keeps telling me he's moody because of what he is going through. I am as supportive as I can be. He keeps snapping at me, saying more and more mean things to me every time he is in a bad mood. One night he got drunk and went down to the basement and was down there hanging out with his friend/neighbor. He turned on his stereo (which, by the way, was connected to a PA system so needless to say it got LOUD) and turned it all the way up. I was on the top floor (2 floors above) with a migraine, it was blasting. I went down to the basement and asked him to please turn it down because I had a really bad headache. He ignored me. I texted him from upstairs, "please turn it down." He ignored me again. I texted him a 2nd time and a 3rd time because it hurt to move and I didnt want to have to go all the way downstairs from the bedroom where I was lying in the dark with the fan on me. But he kept blasting the music.... Fast forward an hour or two, we got into a big fight. He said he wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. I tried to explain that I was not trying to stop him from doing what he wanted, I had only asked him to turn it down because I had a really bad headache. He called me names, said I was just trying to control him, etc etc. Mind you, he was drunk. Next day he said he was sorry and brought me a rose. I forgave him. That's just one example.

At one point he told me he wanted more kids and that he wanted me to be the mother.

So fast forward to 5 months into me living with him. He was going to be getting his 2 kids for the weekend finally, for the first time since Marla had moved out. We had discussed it and decided that at first, I would go back to my apartment the first few weekends he had the kids (I still had it because I was stuck in my lease), to make it easier on them. So the first weekend arrived, I kissed him goodbye Friday morning when he was leaving for work, and he kissed me a few more times than he usually did every morning... this would be the first time we had been apart in 5 months, mind you, So I said "If you keep kissing me goodbye, I am gonna start to cry!" He laughed and kissed me and said "Its only 2 days, I will see you Sunday night after I bring the kids back."

Spoke to him Saturday night, when he called, and I said "I miss you" He responded "that's nice." I said "That's nice? You don't miss me?" He said "Do you really want to know the answer?" I said "Well, I didn't until you said that which makes me think something is wrong!" He was quiet for a moment, and then said "No, I don't miss you, I am just enjoying my time alone and with the boys." I said wow, does that mean you don't want me to come back?" He laughed and said "no, not at all" I said "Ok, then I have nothing to worry about then, right?" He said right. He said he would call me the next afternoon to let me know when he was leaving to bring the kids back to Marla, so I could come home. Then we said goodnight. Mind you, that entire weekend I missed being there with him so much, I couldn't wait to go home an see him again. So the next day at noon I texted him at about noon asking what time he was leaving with the boys so I knew when to come home. He called me and said the boys were napping and he would call me when they were leaving a little later. 5:00 rolled around, and I called him, he didn't answer. He called me right back and said he was already about 3/4 of the way there (she lived 2 hrs away) and that he needed time to himself and he didn't want me to come home. I heard something in the tone of his voice, and I was so let down, so I said "wait, you don't want me to come home now or you don't want me to come home at all?" His response was "I don't know." I got upset, because I had only brought enough food with me for 2 days, and he knew it. I started to cry and he said he would call me a little later after he'd brought the kids back. 9pm comes and he calls and says he not only doesn't want me to come back but he doesn't want me living there anymore and I should come get my stuff the next day. I said what happened? He said "nothing happened I just need time alone." Over the next few weeks, he told me one reason after the other as to why he wanted me out. Sometimes he said it was him, sometimes he said I drove him away, sometimes he said it was cause this, that, or the other. He gave me like 5 different reasons, actually. One of which was "Every time I told you I loved you, I lied. I never meant it. I never really loved you, I only said it because you wanted to hear it, and I didn't want you to leave." That felt awesome, as awesome as open hear surgery without anesthesia. What all the different reasons he gave me were don't matter, really, anymore, because I have no way of knowing which, if any of them, are true. Oh and then just recently he told me Marla had told him that she didn't want him back but if he didn't kick me out and stop speaking to me she'd make it difficult for him to see his kids when he wanted to.

That was in August, when he kicked me out, the first weekend of August actually. It is now October 22, we barely speak, except when he decides to torture me. Like when he made me look at some girl;s pics and said "what do you think of her?" I said I don't know, why? And he said "she invited me for the weekend. I'm gonna go spend a weekend with her, we're gonna be involved." I was so hurt by that, being as he had been calling me, asking me to come over, and that night he asked if I wanted to spend the night. So we made love and THEN he did that. I was so hurt I couldn't even speak. Not to mention she's skinnier than me, so that made me feel like he didn't want me anymore because I wasn't skinny enough, or I wasn't something or other enough for him anymore. It made me feel worthless, actually.

Has anyone out there ever felt the way I do now, I wonder? My friends keep saying things like "you've got to get over it, move on." They are right, but they seem to be expecting me to get over it right away. What they aren't thinking about is that it was 20 YEARS. 20 f'n years. Not just the 5 months I was there. Since I was 15 I was in love with this man, and I could not seem to say no to him. Like he was a drug. To steal from the book/movie Twilight, he was "my own personal brand of heroin."

Until next time, I will leave you with this quote I found about heartache:

"I don't know which I would rather believe... that you never did care or that you eventually stopped." - Anonymous

This saga begins at the end.

     My heart is broken, yet again. The sad thing is, its because of the same person who's done it so many times before. Sure, I made plenty of mistakes, which I will undoubtedly disclose later if people actually start to read this. I am just so hurt, so wounded by the fact that after all these years and all the times he said he loved me, he turned around now and said every time he ever said it, it was a lie and he never meant it, that he only ever said it because I wanted to hear it. How can anyone be that cruel???????

     Now he's so mean, on most of the unfortunate occasions that I do speak to him, and he keeps giving me different reasons why he did what he did... I will never know the truth. And what is worse, is that I am in this much pain about it, I am so hurt and so lost and so alone now, all alone, when I had gotten so used to having him there with me every night, holding me... But, I guess in the end, all I am going to get is pain, and he blames me entirely, when nothing I ever did to him (in these 20 years we've been involved in one aspect or another) will ever begin to compare to the cruelty he inflicted by telling me he loved me if he never meant it...

     Yet he still called me several times to ask if I want to come have sex with him. I will, with great shame, admit that I gave in, and did, he even asked the last time if I wanted to sleep over. How stupid can I be? What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I say no to him, tell him what a piece of crap he is for what he did to me and my heart???

    
     The man told me he wanted to have more kids, (he has two, from the marriage he had an affair with me and at least 1 other person during, though he told me all that time I was the only one he would do that with because he loved me, blah blah blah etc etc) and he wanted me to be their mother. I didn't even know how much I wanted that until we thought I was pregnant and then, the whole way to planned parenthood I said to myself "Oh, god, I hope I'm not pregnant..."' But then, when I had taken the test at planned parenthood, and the nurse came in and sat down and said it was negative... I burst into tears. I didn't stop crying for 2 days. It wasn't long after that that he told me he didn't want me there anymore, and like I said before, I will probably never know the truth about why. I only know how I was so desperately in love with that man it physically hurt to even think of it ending....

     Now, he recently told me he was going to be involved with this other girl, was even cruel enough to show me her picture and ask me "what do you think of her?" I feel like I am broken, like a part of me is now forever emptied and cannot be filled again, like a piece of me is irreversibly broken.

     Until next time. I promise I will explain the saga of... lets call him... Ace. Yes..."The Saga of Ace and Me". Hey, its a work in progress, what can I say?

     I will leave you with an anonymous quote about heartbreak I found online that I can relate to right now: 

"You hurt me more then I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more then you deserve, why am I such a fool?" - Anonymous